13 Slashes, 13 Sins
by Zenna95
Summary: Edward Elric knows he can never truly understand the pain his brother has dealt with, these past 8 years, but maybe he can come close. M for near suicide. WARNING: suicidal!Edward. Set pre-CoS but post-series.


_One. _

_One for the single sin they'd committed, minds focused on the same goal. _

The first cut was the hardest; the knife sank into his flesh, and somehow the blond found comfort in the fact that maybe, someday, he could come close to knowing his brother's pain.

_Two. _

_Two for the two golden eyes he'd never see again._

Even the odd, red glow of the armor-bound soul's 'eyes' had been better than this loneliness. The slightest hint of remorse clouded his mind, and Edward ignored the voice that sounded unnaturally like Al in the back of his head.

_Three. _

_Three for the three stages of alchemy, the science that had tricked him- them- into believing everything was possible._

Equivalent exchange, huh... where was the equivalency in their lives? They'd lost everything to the Gate, and it had given them nothing but harsh reminders of their failure in return.

_Four. _

_Four for the homunculi he'd killed, lives in their own rights, struggling to become human. _

Sloth's dying words echoed in his head. 'Take care of each other.' Yeah, right. He hadn't done such a great job of that in the past; what had made her think he would do any better in the future?

_Five. _

_Five for the people he'd left behind, unsure if they were alive._

He thought vaguely of Winry, Sig and Izumi, even perhaps Mustang, but his main concern was Al. Had the boy survived? No, it was unlikely; impossible, judging from their first attempt at human transmutation.

_Six. _

_Six for the six points of the transmutation circle he'd activated so long ago to try to bring their mother back. _

Hadn't he learned his lesson? Human transmutation. What a laugh. It had failed the first time; what made him think it would work the second? 'Halfway there,' he reminded himself as the knife slid through his flesh once more, almost eliciting a wince from the blond.

_Seven. _

_Seven for the deadly sins, each of which he had committed at some point or other, and met in person. _

Even Envy was above him, not making any promises he couldn't keep. But no, Ed just had to go and tell Al they'd get his body back. The Elric dug his nails into his palm, hoping the extra pain would somehow atone in part for everything he'd done to his little brother.

_Eight. _

_Eight for the number of years since their mother's death- and their inability to prevent it. _

He remembered not shedding a tear at the funeral, being strong for his little brother, but Al had had no such reservations. And Ed, with his crappy people skills, couldn't do anything to comfort the poor boy.

_Nine. _

_Nine for the letters in that bastard's name, the one who had made their mother die, and the one that Ed was having trouble forgiving. _

If he hadn't left, their mother would still be alive, and he would never have had to torture his little brother so. It was all that man's fault.

_Ten. _

_Ten for his little brother's years of life as a child, blissfully unaware of the dangers of the world._

How he longed to go back, to tell their younger selves to not try anything stupid like human transmutation. He knew that a future version of himself coming back- even if it were possible- would only make his younger self more determined, but maybe Al would've taken it to heart and protested. God knew he would've stopped if it meant keeping Alphonse happy. The thought of God now was ironic; here he was, a firm agnostic, swearing to something he didn't believe in. What a joke.

_Eleven. _

_Eleven for his age when he'd done the one unforgivable thing that could not go unpunished, and dragged his younger brother to Hell with him. _

The scream of his disappearing brother still haunted him, even now. He swallowed. Two more to go. And even then he wouldn't be able to understand the pain his little brother had felt.

_Twelve. _

_Twelve for his age when he'd become the military's lapdog, forcing his brother to follow him and be tainted even more by his wrongdoings. _

Damn it, he was Al's older brother, supposed to protect him! Not drag him on some wild goose chase and get him killed! Rage fueled the Elric's final slash, and he noted distantly that he seemed to have hit a major vein. Probably the cephalic, the constantly-analytical alchemist side of his brain noted. All for the better.

_Thirteen. _

_Thirteen for the age his brother would be now, had he succeeded in his transmutation_.

Edward Elric stared at the thirteen bloody cuts up his flesh arm. 'Am I done? Have I paid off a bit of the blood debt I owe you, Al?' The blonde bit his lip, restraining a moan of pain. The cuts hurt, damn it, but he would deal with it. That was the point of this. The warm liquid flowed down his arm, and as his vision grew hazy, he realized that he had indeed cut one of the largest veins in his arm. 'Maybe I'll see Al... if there's an afterlife...' His drifting mind noted that the red blood seeping into the white sheets of the bed perfectly mirrored Alphonse's existence. He felt himself wobble, and wondered if maybe he shouldn't have sat so close to the edge of the bed. It was then that the blonde completely lost his balance, falling off the bed that had so recently become his refuge. Why was it that he remembered irrelevant things now? The way the doppelganger that had taken him in kept on trying to achieve his goal, despite the sickness destroying his lungs; the way that even during this depression, there were people trying to make a living, and even some who supported overthrowing the current government; Officer Hansein, telling him not to be stupid. He noticed the door creak open.

Alfons had awoken to a small thud coming from his flatmate's room. Worried for the man- he only had two limbs, and took his prosthetics off to sleep, what if he was injured?- he had gone over to check on the eccentric Ed Elric.

,,Edward? Was ist-" The blond man's eyes grew wide at the sight of his friend lying in a slowly growing pool of his own blood.

,,Edward!" He knelt beside the dying Elric, tearing the bedsheets into bandages. He could repay Gracia later, saving the slightly odd man's life was more important. The blond head hovering just inside his field of vision startled Ed just enough for him to resist death, if only to prove to himself he was imagining things.

"Al...phonse...?" The name was faint and shaky, and he was surprised by the weakness in his own voice. The quiver in the younger man's voice matched his own, but the voice itself did not match with who he thought it belonged to. Hopes crashed down around his ears

,,Ja, Edward... Ja, ich bin hier... Liegen Sie noch für einen Moment." A habitual snort tried to make its way out of the Elric's throat and partially failed.

"Like I c'n... move, you... hypocrit'cal bas...t'rd..." He heard his words becoming both slurred and spacey, but he realized nothing else as the darkness of unconsciousness swept over him.

* * *

Two days later, Ed sat grumbling in a hospital bed, left arm completely bandaged, prosthetics just out of reach, torso and remaining leg strapped to the bed so he couldn't hurt himself again. The blond knew the only reason his arm wasn't strapped down as well was because it would've affected the healing of the wounds. Irrationally, he hoped the slash marks would scar; it would give him another reminder of something he had to do. Currently, however, he was putting up with the hospital's paranoia that he would run off and try to kill himself again, if only so he could prove to them that he wasn't going to. He had a reason to live now, he was going to find a way back to his Al. Not the creepy double that was currently visiting him, although the man hardly deserved the title 'creepy' anymore. Not that Ed would ever tell him he was grateful. Some words didn't need to be said, and in this case, it was only fair... a life for a life. Not only did he have to get his brother back, but he needed to make sure this kind, sickly man stayed alive to reach his own goals.

It was, after all, Equivalent Exchange.

* * *

**A/Ns:** This was a bit odd to write... can you tell I had trouble with 7 and 9? (For those who didn't catch it, it was Ed blaming Hohenheim for everything that had happened. H-o-h-e-n-h-e-i-m is 9 letters.)

About the odd ,,quotation marks," it's the German style... thus, to distinguish Heiderich's words and make him speshul (since someone just HAD to kill him in the end D:) he gets his special German quotation marks. While on the topic of German... translations!

Was ist- : What is-

Ja, Edward... Ja, ich bin hier... Liegen Sie noch fur einen Moment. : Yes, Edward.... Yes, I am here... Lie still for a moment.

I don't own Ed, Al, Winry, Sig, Izumi, Mustang or Heiderich. Or FMA for that matter. They're property of Hiromu Arakawa, Funimation, Aniplex, VIZ Media, and whoever else owns the rights. I'm not getting any profit from it and thus am protected under the Fair Use Clause of the Copyright Act.

Sorry for that little bit of formality up there *points at copyright crap* but I don't feel like getting sued.

As always, reviews are welcomed, constructive criticism is loved, and flames will be transferred to Heiderich's rocket engines.


End file.
